The Usual Error: Why We Don't Understand Each Other
Posted by Rob Plotkin on Mon, Jun 08, 2009
This is a guest post from Pace and Kyeli Smith.
One of the biggest problems in the world today is that we don't understand each other.
If people could just understand each other, it would take a huge bite out of the need for war, the need for crime, and the need for social workers.
How many bad family situations and bad relationship situations are due to people not really understanding each other? Misunderstanding leads to unmet needs. Unmet needs lead to resentment or acting out. Resentment leads to unhappiness, acting out leads to conflict and sometimes violence. If we can foster more understanding, we can solve a lot of these problems at the root instead of trying to treat the symptoms.
Misunderstanding is the root of these problems, and the root of misunderstanding itself is the usual error. The usual error is assuming that everyone else is just like you. It's so named because it's the most common mistake in communication. In fact, it's so common that it can hardly be called a mistake, because we're forced to make it any time we communicate with someone else.
"Would you like some pie, Bob?"
How does this simple question make the usual error? It makes a lot of tacit assumptions about Bob. It assumes that Bob is capable of eating pie. It assumes that Bob can hear you ask the question. It assumes that when Bob hears the word "pie", he'll think of a fruit-filled, baked pastry. It assumes that Bob was never taken prisoner and forced to undergo pie-related torture -- because we probably wouldn't want to trigger Bob's painful memories. All of these assumptions are cases of the usual error.
These assumptions sound silly because they're so universal. They seem obvious to us, because all these assumptions are true of most of the people we interact with. But consider this:
"Would you like a hug, Jill?"
If you and your friends hug each other to express affection, you may not even realize the assumptions hidden in this question. But you may be making the usual error. For example, Jill may have been abused, and to her a hug might mean a prelude to abuse rather than an expression of affection.
It's impossible to eliminate the usual error in our communications with others, because communication relies on assumptions. But if we can become more aware of the usual error, and common cases where it can cause trouble, we can understand others more authentically. We can see past our expectations and assumptions to truly see another human being instead of merely seeing a reflection of ourselves.
Pace Smith and her wife Kyeli are the authors of The Usual Error:
Why We Don't Understand Each Other and 34 Ways to Make It Better.
They write, coach, and teach workshops to foster understanding, tolerance, healing, authentic communication, and personal growth.
Win a FREE copy of Pace & Kyeli's Book - "The Usual Error!"